jessica lee writes.

This Year I Might Receive the Best Birthday Gift Ever.

it's almost my birthday. the big day is on friday, to be exact. and for the past handful of years, i've not loved celebrating. contrary to most everyone's commonly held belief about me, i don't like being the center of attention. and birthdays? well, usually that's prime time for yelling out, "hey, celebrate me!" that's a show i'm just not that into for it's perpetually a reminder of the very miserable birthday i trudged through right after my father passed away. you can rewind and read about that here...

august 7th is a weird day for me anyways... i get freaked out thinking about the other things that have happened on august 7th in my family... like it being the day my grandfather disappeared. that's another story for you to have a read on...

this year though, it's so very interesting and strange and exciting that the day, august 7th, has taken on a whole new meaning. i have someone to celebrate it with - and i mean literally celebrate with given our birthdays fall on the same day of the year. but we're not talking about just someone, or just anyone else having the same birthday... i mean, we're talking about the opportunity to spend the day and celebrate this usually odd, awkward, if not miserable day of the year with someone who makes me happier than anything else simply on a daily basis. someone who makes me feel like i'm complete. someone who makes me want to be a better person. someone who makes me feel honored, over and over again. i get to celebrate with him. and that's crazy to me because i already feel blessed every day specifically because of him... but on top of all of that, now i get this gift of being able to celebrate my birthday with completely new and different meaning through him. it no longer has to be a day or time period where i am constantly thinking about the past, and the loss of my father, and regrets i have surrounding that whole situation.

in some ways, i feel like this new way of celebrating my birthday - our birthdays - makes the past a bit more palatable. and for that, i'm so very, very thankful. it might just have to be one of the best gifts ever.

Thank You. I'm Honored.

when my older brother was courting his now wife, he went to pretty great and interesting lengths to hook her in... and some tactics, i thought were kind of overkill. i'll spare my brother the embarrassment by not blogging about the details but let's just say that when you're in love, you do some crazy things. and i always wondered how my sister-in-law felt about his gestures and overtures during the courting process because personally, i'm not sure how i would receive some of what he did if someone were to do the same for me. yet her response to how she felt about everything? she said she was honored.

that answer has stuck with me for quite a bit. because can you imagine? she felt that it was a privilege to be the subject/object of his attention/affection. now, i recognize that for some, this may seem like we're mincing words. but for me... well, i'm the kind of gal who believes that words matter, a great deal actually. so the distinction between describing your reaction to a suitor's gestures as being nice or thoughtful or sweet versus describing it as a feeling honored? there's a huge difference... for me, at least.

i think that i've always expected to be treated a certain way or thought that people should behave in a particular manner when it comes to relationships, like boy/girl relationships. but here's what happens when you expect so much and then become disappointed because things aren't playing out as you expected they should... you come to the conclusion that maybe hollywood and the media have caused you conjure up some unrealistic fantasies. you lower your expectations. and maybe this is the point at which you become jaded and cynical and hard.

but what then happens when something new and different hits you - something that maybe was the stuff your old expectations were made of? what are you supposed to believe and feel when someone starts to catch you completely off guard? and particularly when that someone is the kind of person you actually have always thought was precisely the type who is deserving of you? or you of them? i'm thinking maybe that's that feeling we call honor.

generally, honor is something i've only ever felt when people or institutions i respect and love have decided to do something that acknowledges me and my brain. and most times, i'm surprised or taken aback by whatever the action is because i never would have assumed or taken for granted that they were that confident in me or my abilities, or that they trusted in me in that way. and with honor, i've learned, there also comes a sense of deep gratitude. you're thankful that the person thinks of you so highly that they would do whatever it is they've done. you're appreciative of the care and trust they've put into trying to make you happy. you're grateful that they'd put energy into you the way they have. and i'm starting to understand how  the feeling of honor can be translated in other situations too... including when it comes to matters of my heart, just like my sister-in-law felt.

i don't take lightly this notion of feeling honored... not one bit because i can probably count on one hand the times i've ever truly felt  it. and anyone, my sister-in-law included, saying they feel honored within the context of a budding relationship? it's a big deal. so some day, if not now, i hope that someone catches you off guard, reminds you what the good stuff is made of... and that you get to feel a similar sense of honor. it's kind of neat.

Happy Valentine's Day.

dear world,

happy valentine's day.

i was on the way to the grocery store earlier today and all of a sudden, the urge hit me - like i bet it's hit many others on v-day - to give a shout out to my ex's. on this silly day, i thought, why not? why not give a call to all the suitors i've loved, or liked, just to check in? say hello, say thanks for the good times...

it just struck me that many folks today who are thinking back to their ex's today are likely looking back silently or with disdain (because damn it, if we were still together, i wouldn't be alone today!)... and why not look back to the past with some sweetness, and heck, even say hello to those from the past?

i've had some great valentine's days and some shitty ones. there is the one when the guy and i agreed to end our relationship on valentine's day... and the conversation began via instant message. classy. and there was that one time where i finally fessed up that i loved him and i heard nothing back... there of course were valentine's where it was just me and my girl friends, and then ones where i was with the boyfriend at that time, and they showed up big time... i suppose it takes all kinds and i'll have a variety of other kinds in the years to come.

but as for today, i'm determined not to be upset, or bitter, or sad that i'm alone... the day isn't meant for that. instead, i'm going to make sure my single pals are feeling loved and that they know they aren't alone. i'm right here for them.

xoxo,

jessica

About These Dreams I've Been Having?

listening to miles and coltrane on a 3.5 hour train ride will do this to you - it's a personal rambling that follows... bear with me:

i knew that when (re)starting up this blog i would have a hard time keeping the personal stuff out... and here we go again with more thoughts from the brain, or heart, rather. it's how you'll get to know the real me, i suppose.

friday and saturday nights, i dreamed about family. specifically, we were fighting madly in both nights dreams. my mind was my adult-self, but i was trapped in a high school aged version of me. what i had done to be part of the fights in both nights dreams, who knows, but i was in trouble and everyone was in a fury over something. and it felt like there was a very good chance that it was my fault. i could tell, i was in the middle of some kind of deep shit which sounds exactly like high school, actually. i was always in some kind of trouble. and oddly, i still get uncomfortable when i hear any parent disciplining their kids... you never forget that feeling, right? of my tail between my legs, cowering because i knew i had done wrong... it comes back whenever i hear a kid being scolded and during my R.E.M., that exact feeling came right back to me. there was screaming and yelling and tears. (and lots of yelling because my adult-mind in the dreams was more ballsy and feisty enough to argue back - wait, no... i have always been that way.)

so because of those dreams? i woke up startled and confused by the angst both mornings - not the best way to start your day. and making it perhaps more confusing, was not waking up in my own surroundings. (new york was calling this past weekend...) and of course, i'm now left wondering what the deal was with the crazy dreams. a long train ride back home coupled with a heart full of mixed feelings brings out all sorts of theories though. maybe the dreams were reinforcing that some strained relationships need some mending as family has been on my mind quite a bit lately - the importance of mine, the (waffling but they all say, inevitable) desire to start my own, and the potential difficulty in assimilating with someone else's...

the latter being a topic du jour of late... but it's so weird to me that it's even a consideration right now. yet it is an inevitable reality as somewhere along the line in my dating life, a flip switched where when things begin getting serious between me and another, the commitment path isn't one that's just commitment for the hell of it. it is commitment as a prelude to a lifelong commitment. nuts, right? i am in this age bracket now where people are dating and looking at one another as - HA! - potential lifelong mates! yeah, it's completely bizarre to me too. yet if you are thirty something and we continue spending time with each other + are committed to being exclusive... it does have the potential to lead to M-A-R-R... i'll stop. i am scaring me too.

yet the idea of blending families has to be considered. my sister said to me a while ago that she believed she had both the right and duty to meet anyone i was dating early on in the relationship to scope out his fit to our family. so what if i'm the one dating the feller?! she felt she should have a say since she'll have to see and deal with him too. and as much as i hate to let her (or anyone, for that matter) be right, she really did have a point. now, yes, i am fortunate to have seen my siblings "marry into" great families where blending has seemed (near) seamless... and i have been welcomed by their families as well... but what if while on my own path it looks like it won't be so easy? what if the odds are already against me/us? do i really need anymore heartache from family drama? does he? haven't we each been through enough already? and even if my current, new beloved loves me so, is it worth it if we're destined for challenges in assimilating? and who bears the responsibility for cutting the chord if we are indeed on a collision crash course? neither one of us have many answers for these questions. 

absolutely, it's a super romantic notion - to love someone so much, that no matter the cost, love will conquer all... but really? isn't convenience so much better? convenient love, that is. lazy me loves all things convenient and instantaneous. (and instantaneously gratifying things, you would be the best.) yet not much about "us" has been convenient thus far, it seems. i have rejected suitors who live 5 miles from me because it just seemed inconvenient to hang out yet 3.5 hour train rides back and forth seem fine by me. it just all feels right and it all feels worth it, despite the inconvenience. and i can not seem to find a way to stop us from going down this path where i (hesitantly) do think about the future. and neither can he. but what to do if this leads to more dreams of family fights and drama? (or worse yet, a reality filled with such?)

i'm hoping these dreams will go away. and i am hoping the ugly reality never shows its face to me or him again... i also hope to not wake up confused and distressed tomorrow, or the day after, or the next... if i do though, strangely, i am not that worried. since him being nearby when i woke up - to calm me, to ground me, to simply remind me of our reality - the loveliness of our reality and how good it is to just be with each other... that was all i needed to lift me from the funk and make the dreams seem like they were nothing.

so you, maybe as long as you're there when i wake up from those dreams, and when we wake up to the possible reality of assimilating that could cause more ugly dreams... maybe we'll be okay. now that sounds like the kind of commitment i like.

Full Belly, Full Heart.

people can be nosy when it comes to my dating life and my sister's mother-in-law is no exception as i received a bit of a pity talk from her on thanksgiving. why am i still single, she asked. apparently, my time-line for my life and future didn't jive well with her. and then she went on to tell me how the holidays are for spending time with loved ones - and wouldn't i like to be with a boyfriend on this special holiday? (and here i thought i was spending the holiday with my loved ones!?! something must have gotten lost in translation...)

"i don't need a boyfriend!" i told her. "i am okay on my own." i don't think she believed me though because as i left for the night, she stood in the doorway watching me leave, looking on with some sadness. i was leaving by myself after all, and was heading back to my place in the city where i live by my lonesome self... poor, poor me she must have thought, suggesting i actually stay the night rather than going home alone. i thanked her, but declined and began walking away. before i could get very far though, she called out to me again, reiterating her message one last time. i should think about keeping a guy around, she said. it isn't so bad. i laughed and said i'd think about it.

her message was starting to get old, quickly and cynical me was about ready to roll my eyes at her, but then she said something that made me pause. "i can say these things to you," she winked and continued on, "because i think of myself like another mother to you." and it was then that my heart melted. that was pretty much the most generous statement i had heard all day. and i wasn't sure what i had done to deserve it.

i mean, i'm just the sister of her son's wife. she owes me nothing, really. yet still, she has always shown an outpouring of love to me. like when i arrived at my sister's for thanksgiving earlier in the day, she had greeted me with the warmest hug. "my baby!" she exclaimed while squeezing me. and then there have been the invitations out to her home in arizona or on their family vacations... my sister's in-laws have shown a level of generosity with their love that i never would have expected. i've also experienced the same love and warmth from my brother's wife's family too. these people aren't even my in-laws. i'm just the baby sister of the guy/gal who married their respective daughter/son yet they've made me a part of their families, for which, i'm grateful. and i can only hope that i have the opportunity to pay it forward some day myself by doing the same to the siblings of my future children's spouses.

surrogate family, i guess that's what these in-laws have become. and i've picked up over the years other surrogate family members too through friends. you have become family to me and i can't thank you enough for enriching my life and making me feel loved. and really, it's because of you that i'm probably getting harrassed for being single - i don't feel the need to settle down because i don't ever feel alone. do i want to do it, settle down? sure, some day. but i don't ever go home feeling lonely because i know you're always there for me. and i thank you for that. happy thanksgiving, again, y'all. i have a full belly, and a full heart. and that makes me one happy gal.

Happy Almost Thanksgiving & Does Love Conquer All? Another Vlog.

another attempt at vlogging! more rambling. while i'm writing this, is there a technology that exists where you can search through videos and link to what is mentioned? just wondering as i mention Fistful of Talent and the most recent HR Carnival in the middle, and at the end i reference Dean and Deluca.