it's ever so cliche that i'm inspired to write this post after watching
a sappy chick flick - i know. but, after being at a loss for words of late, what follows is what's on my mind and in my heart.
the other night i saw Sam Mendes' Away We Go with some girlfriends. and there was this moment from the movie that stuck with me... probably because i watched the movie a few days before Father's Day and particularly because of me being introspective about him, i've been fixated on this thought inspired from the film - maybe (hopefully) my children will have some traits and characteristics passed down to them from my father, their grandfather. maybe i'll see him in them.
okay... so you may think it's a silly, or even a rather obvious realization. of course these kids will have something in them that's distinctively from their grandfather whom they'll never get to meet - but honestly? i'd never thought of that possibility because i've been iffy about the whole kids thing. they'd be mine... but i never thought about where they'd come from beyond that. indeed though, they will be his grandchildren... about one-fourth, a quarter him. and strangely, this possibility of seeing him in them makes me quite happy. excited, even. not that i'm itching to have kids tomorrow though.
i told one of my closest girlfriends that i was thinking about babies and she just about lost it. me? thinking about kids? i'm the last single girl of that particular girl group... the hold out, the last woman standing... i'm the one who isn't sure if she has a clock that is even faintly ticking. had i lost my mind? she wanted to know if i had a fever or such especially because i've been the one who's said so often i'd rather not procreate for fear of being a shitty parent. the world doesn't need any more semi-present parents who aren't actively engaged in the rearing of their children. and then there's that whole thing about me just being too selfish and self absorbed to care for a little human...
yet this idea of creating a family of my own? i can't get it out of my head either. there have been a few moments - not a lot, but just a few moments here or there - where i have felt a wee bit sorry for myself. i don't have a lot of family to speak of. it's me and my siblings - that's pretty much it. and even them, they've gone off and gotten married, starting their own families. so i've taken to being "miss independent." i can do everything and anything on my own! i don't need a man, i don't need a family - i can conquer it all. and with that has been me being the gal who is running wild still and being a free bird... and lord knows how long i've thought (or how long all of you for that matter have thought) i'd be that girl. but lately, the want, or rather, the need for family has been an ever present thought. the loose semblances of family that i've strung together or created over the years - they've served me well... but i'm not quite sure if they are enough. and so maybe i don't want to be, and maybe it serves me so little to be, alone. so much for miss independent...
in some ways, this realization has come full circle professionally too. i'm not an island, and i do myself a disservice by going at everything on my own. i need a fuller picture, i need the wisdom of my elders and their experiences, i find more and more... which is a toughie for me. how do i let go when i know (or at least think) that i will do it right - the first time? why should i let go when i know i'll take care of it faster? my ego gets the better of me quite frequently. i mean, afterall, i'm the girl who says that her favorite book is Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. i've been all about the individualism versus the collectivism ever since reading the novel 12 years ago for the first time. but after four times of reading the Fountainhead cover to cover later, i'm finally learning that maybe i need (parts of, small parts of) the collective to really be my best.
there are things i still wish i knew more about when it comes to my dad... but i'm not sure i'll ever get the opportunity in this lifetime. i should come to terms with that at some point, i know. but knowing that perhaps i'll feel less disconnected by seeing bits and pieces of him in these future kids of mine? there's something really lovely about that. so for now, i'm going to wonder... what kind of things will i see in my kids that will reflect him? what traits of his will they get? what traits will i hope they don't get? what might i be surprised by when i see them running around and coming into their own that reminds me of him? and what will this family of mine, that i'm starting to feel like maybe i really do want, and need, look like? what kind of family will we be?
needing others, it's an idea i'm getting used to. it isn't easy to admit... but maybe needing others, needing someone isn't such a bad thing.
the other night i saw Sam Mendes' Away We Go with some girlfriends. and there was this moment from the movie that stuck with me... probably because i watched the movie a few days before Father's Day and particularly because of me being introspective about him, i've been fixated on this thought inspired from the film - maybe (hopefully) my children will have some traits and characteristics passed down to them from my father, their grandfather. maybe i'll see him in them.
okay... so you may think it's a silly, or even a rather obvious realization. of course these kids will have something in them that's distinctively from their grandfather whom they'll never get to meet - but honestly? i'd never thought of that possibility because i've been iffy about the whole kids thing. they'd be mine... but i never thought about where they'd come from beyond that. indeed though, they will be his grandchildren... about one-fourth, a quarter him. and strangely, this possibility of seeing him in them makes me quite happy. excited, even. not that i'm itching to have kids tomorrow though.
i told one of my closest girlfriends that i was thinking about babies and she just about lost it. me? thinking about kids? i'm the last single girl of that particular girl group... the hold out, the last woman standing... i'm the one who isn't sure if she has a clock that is even faintly ticking. had i lost my mind? she wanted to know if i had a fever or such especially because i've been the one who's said so often i'd rather not procreate for fear of being a shitty parent. the world doesn't need any more semi-present parents who aren't actively engaged in the rearing of their children. and then there's that whole thing about me just being too selfish and self absorbed to care for a little human...
yet this idea of creating a family of my own? i can't get it out of my head either. there have been a few moments - not a lot, but just a few moments here or there - where i have felt a wee bit sorry for myself. i don't have a lot of family to speak of. it's me and my siblings - that's pretty much it. and even them, they've gone off and gotten married, starting their own families. so i've taken to being "miss independent." i can do everything and anything on my own! i don't need a man, i don't need a family - i can conquer it all. and with that has been me being the gal who is running wild still and being a free bird... and lord knows how long i've thought (or how long all of you for that matter have thought) i'd be that girl. but lately, the want, or rather, the need for family has been an ever present thought. the loose semblances of family that i've strung together or created over the years - they've served me well... but i'm not quite sure if they are enough. and so maybe i don't want to be, and maybe it serves me so little to be, alone. so much for miss independent...
in some ways, this realization has come full circle professionally too. i'm not an island, and i do myself a disservice by going at everything on my own. i need a fuller picture, i need the wisdom of my elders and their experiences, i find more and more... which is a toughie for me. how do i let go when i know (or at least think) that i will do it right - the first time? why should i let go when i know i'll take care of it faster? my ego gets the better of me quite frequently. i mean, afterall, i'm the girl who says that her favorite book is Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead. i've been all about the individualism versus the collectivism ever since reading the novel 12 years ago for the first time. but after four times of reading the Fountainhead cover to cover later, i'm finally learning that maybe i need (parts of, small parts of) the collective to really be my best.
there are things i still wish i knew more about when it comes to my dad... but i'm not sure i'll ever get the opportunity in this lifetime. i should come to terms with that at some point, i know. but knowing that perhaps i'll feel less disconnected by seeing bits and pieces of him in these future kids of mine? there's something really lovely about that. so for now, i'm going to wonder... what kind of things will i see in my kids that will reflect him? what traits of his will they get? what traits will i hope they don't get? what might i be surprised by when i see them running around and coming into their own that reminds me of him? and what will this family of mine, that i'm starting to feel like maybe i really do want, and need, look like? what kind of family will we be?
needing others, it's an idea i'm getting used to. it isn't easy to admit... but maybe needing others, needing someone isn't such a bad thing.
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